I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
