Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
