i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
