I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
