i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
