and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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