new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
No more Irish car bombs ever.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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