We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I would ride that face into the sunset
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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