We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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