oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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