I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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