Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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