Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's shark week go big or go home
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
