I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
