i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think I won the penis lottery.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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