VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
