Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
