we have officially lost it.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Randomize
