I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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