I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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