did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
