I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
what day is it and did you see me today?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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