i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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