Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
