i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
