God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
