Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
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I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
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he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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