I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
