Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
