I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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