it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
