I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
