It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
