i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
