i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
