You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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