my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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