Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
