My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
