worst night to have a conscience
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
