first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
