nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
