Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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