It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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