very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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