I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Randomize
