i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize