I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
