I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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