I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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