At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
