I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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