Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
