Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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