Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
