He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
